Goodbye, sweetie
by Syba
Summary: This is, how it ends: River Song leaves The Doctor in "Forest of the dead" SPOILERS! SPOILERS mainly from "Demon's run", "Let's kill Hitler", "Night & the Doctor: Last Night" *It's funny. You don't know when it is or how your end is going to be like until it happens. Then you realize it could never have been anything else.* slightly changed quote from S6e11: 'God complex'.


***Prologue* **

"Doctor" River looked at him, with that hidden sadness she always wore when they said goodbye. "I was there at the end of you and I know you will be there at the end of me." He could hear it. In her voice. She didn't spell it out, but she did so very loudly. "This is not it, River.", The Doctor reassured.  
And for once knew he told her the truth. But one day, he knew that very well, he would just have to lie. Would have to stand here like he did now, look into her lovely eyes and stroke that gorgeous hair and see the face of the woman he loved so much for the very last time. He knew that he would have to lie, would have to pretend everything would be alright and that he'd pop by next week, as he always did. Only that time there would be no 'next week' for them. But she wouldn't know. She would flirt with him and joke and give a lovely kiss before he walked away and she'd look after him when he enters the TARDIS and she'd enjoy the sound of her leaving, though she always teased him by not having that old girl make that sound when she flew her. She really loved the sound of the TARDIS: A bittersweet sound that broke her heart and kept her whole.  
And he would just play along, would flirt back and respond to her jokes with a teasing innuendo and then just walk off, like he always did.

But maybe, just maybe, he would look into her eyes for a little longer as he usually did. Maybe he would deepen that kiss and fill it with more emotion than he ever had. Maybe he would just reappear later, not leaving the brakes on for once, just to silently watch her one last time. Maybe he would even say goodbye, though he actually never did. Maybe just this once, he'd say goodbye.

But he would never ever _ever_ tell her, that this story was ending. He wouldn't tell her and she would be cross with him, once she realized that he'd lied. But as he once put it: "You are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven." And so she would forgive him that lie. She would forgive him for not spending that night by her side. She would forgive him even for blaming her of embarrassing him - by far the most painful insult she ever felt. He would be forgiven. And that was it what forced the tears into his eyes. He would break her hearts. He would be the death of her. And she couldn't help but love him. Love the man who was going to kill her.  
How they made the perfect couple: Falling in love with the one who breaks your heart and who was always meant to kill you.  
***Prologue End***

"... can manage without me. But you can't!" A punch. Such a simple thing. And she had hurt people before, oh yes, she had. But it was nothing, nothing compared to this. She thought to see a shock in his eyes, though... no, not shocked. Surprised. Very surprised. This was it. Her story was over. The last lines were written. Time to act out the scene.  
She stepped back and leaned against the wall, just for a moment. Her hands trembled and she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. This was only the first difficulty to master. The next one would be to see his despair as she died. Because that was, what would happen now. She would die. With a bitter smile she remembered how she once told him: "Oh Doctor, you and your secrets. You'll be the death of me." She hadn't ever meant it. But by that time he probably already knew how right she was.  
She carefully took his wrist and cuffed it to some kind of tube. She didn't know exactly what was flowing through it, but it wasn't hot or heating up and it was strong enough to hold him.  
It only took her a couple of minutes - so much less time than she'd expected - to take a sear and rewire some things. To activate the autodestruct.  
She gave him another look. Her Doctor. He had known. When she had seen him the last time, he'd said goodbye and promised her to pop by 'next week', as he always used to do. Maybe he even would. Maybe he'd even show up and... just mourn her. In some way, she like the thought that he'd mourn her.  
She gulped and refocused on the wires. He'd be waking up soon.  
"Auto-destruct in two minutes", the computer declared.  
He rose his head, not fully awake yet. But that happened within the next blink of an eye:  
"No! No, no, no, no, what are you doing?! That my job!"  
She took a deep breath. 'Everything is going to be alright.', she recalled the voice of her Doctor, his next incarnation, while telling herself that, imagining, he'd told her that. But he didn't. He never would. But at least he would be with her. At least the man she loved the most, she had always loved, would be with her, when her story ended. When it was all over.  
After that she managed to speak again, calm, almost as playfully as she'd always spoken to him, teased him. "Whiled I'm not allowed to have a career, I suppose?" He turned around, trying to get away from the pipe. "Why am I hand-... Why do you even have handcuffs?" For a brief and single moment, his worries and fear were almost completely gone. Pure confusion had replaced them. Now she honestly smiled as she teasingly said the word that had been defining their relationship from the very start on: "Spoilers."  
But fear and worry returned. And so did his anger that she did such a stupid thing. Oh, if only he knew! He turned back to her, angry, shouting. "This is not a joke! Stop it, this is gonna kill you!" She didn't reply. He wasn't done yet: "i'd have a chance, you don't have any!" Wrong! He was so wrong! And suddenly, it made her sad. And angry. How could he be as stupid as to belive _he'd_ have a chance? Did he really think that?! "You wouldn't have a chance and neither do I!" He looked shocked. Really shocked this time. Because he realized that there was no way out. One of them was going to die right there. And she wouldn't let this be him, oh no, certainly not him!  
"I'm timing it for the end of the countdown, there'll be a blip in the command flow. That way it should improve our chances of a clean download.", she explained. She wouldn't have needed to, but she needed to say something. 'Keep talking, River, keep thinking. Do not stop thinking, remembering, recalling what you're doing this for. _Whom_ you're doing it for.' She knew exactly that if she stopped talking now or stopped thinking clear thoughts, she wouldn't be able to finish this properly.  
He was getting desperate. She had rarely seen him so desperate. He didn't ask her to stop. He _begged_.  
"River, please, no!" She looked at him again. Now it all made sense. How could it ever have been anything else? It was always going to end like that and he always knew it and she should've known, too. But she was blind. Or maybe she just didn't want to see it. Didn't want to see the story end.  
_"I always rip out the last page of a book. This way it doesn't have to end. I hate endings."_ Funny thing was, it did end nonetheless. One just avoided it for a longer while.  
"Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together, you always knew I'd be coming here." She paused briefly. Tears in his eyes.  
The same kind of tears she had in her eyes when he had asked her to break the semi time-loop they were in when she had refused to kill him. Because for him, there had been a way out. But for her there wasn't. Would never be. This was the end of it all. And it was funny; though he barely knew her, he felt it. Felt, that he was losing so much more than a stranger who happened to be by his side and give him the time of his life.  
" The last time I saw you, the real you - the future you, I mean - you turned up on my doorstep, with a new haircut and a suit." Her voice broke. She could barely hold back her tears now. The countdown was under 1minute and 20 seconds and all he could do was watch her die. And the last thing she was going to see was him suffer. "You took me to Darillium to see the singing towers. Oh, what a night that was! The towers sang, and you cried." "Autodestruct in one minute", the computer mercilessly declared. She didn't care. He had to know. She wouldn't want to miss that night and she wanted him to know about it. She needed to talk to him, but actually she wanted to say so much more. But she didn't have the time, didn't have the strength in her voice to say all these things. So all she could do was telling him about their stupid last night. "You wouldn't tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver; that should've been a clue." Screwdriver! He rocked forward, tried to reach for them. She gave them a look. "There's nothing you can do." Carefully placed out of his reach and far enough away from her at the same time, so that they wouldn't be destroyed when that thing went off. Her diary lay next to the sonic screwdrivers. But it wasn't important right now.  
The Doctor tried again to convince her. "River, let me do this!" Even now, when they both knew that it was too late to switch places anyway, he wanted to save her. Her Doctor. Always wanting to protect the ones he loved. But not this time. He had overseen a detail that was essential to her, to everything she ever was: "No. If you die here, it means I'll never have met you!" "Time can be rewritten!" "Not those times! _Not one line_! Don't you dare!" But this was _her_ ending, not his. Time, to make the promise she had already kept. Time, to put his mind at peace - she couldn't leave him thinking she vanished from his life. Because she did not, she would return, everything would be alright with him, as it always was. To him, this would all just seem like a bad dream."It's OK. It's OK, it's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run!" She couldn't hold back anymore. She felt something big stuck in her throat, almost disabling her to speak. A tear ran down her face. In all the time she knew him, she had only cried once before: When she knew she had to watch him die, unable to save him. And now here they were again, her Doctor and his River Song and now he had to watch her die, unable to save her.  
"River, you know my name." "Autodestruct in ten-" "You whispered my name in my ear!" She put the helmet-like construct on. Time to say goodbye. "There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could..."  
"-four-" "Now, hush, now." She readied herself, ready to connect the cables. Ready to see him for the very last time. Ready to die. She shed one last tear, gave him one last smile. "Spoilers."

***Epilogue* **

River Song had placed her diary next to the screwdrivers. After The Doctor had finally managed to free himself, it was all his. Her screwdriver - returned to its master. His screwdriver - ready to become hers. Her diary - she knew he wouldn't read it. Never would. Maybe, some day, someone would. And maybe that someone would even cry over her fate. Or put the book back with tears in his eyes and a smile on his lips and say: "Oh, River Song, you've had the time of your life! But The Doctor: Was he worth it?" And in her mind, ever since the first day she, River Song, met him, there had always been only that one answer: "Yes. Yes, he was!"

***Epilogue End***


End file.
